Vatican City

Whew, I’m out of breath. I’ve been running around, literally, for the past hour. Finally got a chance to plop down in this anonymous cybercafé & fire up the ole laptop. Just a short break to fill you all in on what’s been going on…

While wandering around Italy listening for good musick, I received a telepathic telegram from one of my contacts in the European Narco-Anarchist movement. I have worked with them before in connection with my political project back in the USofA. Since my primary scope of expertise is audio/audial artifact retrieval, they contacted me.

They were wondering if I could possibly locate some most valuable & top-secret archives that were supposedly hidden somewhere in the Roman underground, most likely in catacombs under the Vatican City. Since I am, because of my radical Buddhist tenets, an avowed anti-papist, I was more than up for the challenge.

Vatican City was in a high state of celebratory chaos, what with the crowning of their new il Papa. Perfect time to outfox the Swiss Guard & find the archives. I walked through St. Peter’s Square & looked up at the sculptures of the 12 Apostles staring down at me from the Vatican roof. Where to begin?

I had always found that the best place in Rome to get any reliable information was a fine sidewalk café. So I stopped off for some cheese & a glass of vino at a small establishment on the first narrow cobblestone street next the Vatican, Via delle Puttane or in English ‘Street of the Whores’. According to the locals, the street received this rather unusual name since for hundreds of years it housed many of the whores whose primary clientele were the Vatican Cardinals, Bishops, & Priests, as well as any visiting members of the clergy. After World War II, the prostitution on the street eventually moved to a more secretive location, making way now for cafés & stores engaged in the lucrative business of selling religious paraphernalia like rosaries, pictures of the Popes & holy water. Supposedly there were numerous secret passageways from several of the buildings opening into the Vatican underground passages. Sometimes it was useful for sneaking unsavory trollops into the Holy See. Some of these passageways were apparently still accessible.

I listened closely to the freely discussed information, filed away the geographic specifics to advance my assignment, & set about making preparations. While Mass was being said in the Sistine Chapel & thousands of tourists were being shown the works of Michelangelo, I made my way underground. After deactivating & bypassing all the electronic security measures, I found myself deep within the bowels of the Vatican Secret Lairs. I located a large circular room with 13 separate chambers, each leading to a separate catacomb. 

As I began to make a systematical search of the catacombs, intending to begin at the northern-most passage & search in a counter-clockwise direction around the circuitous passage, I notice something disturbing. There was a mummified body placed in front of each of the 13 doorways.

This could only mean one thing. A secret induction ceremony was taking place right now in one of the catacombs. Just my bad timing. Pope Francis was at this moment being welcomed into the Coils of the Serpent, becoming the newest member of the Illuminati or the New World Order. As a young freelance anarchist in Rome during the early 1980s, I had heard many rumors of these secret ceremonies from local shop owners, several drunken priests & a couple of local clairvoyant fortune-telling card readers, one who had advised & guided the film career of the famous Italian film director, Federico Fellini. From past experience with my nemesis, the Bavarian brotherhood, I knew that in one of these underground chambers a young child was being brutally sacrificed with a long golden knife.

Well, at least the big-wigs would be busy. If I could choose the right catacomb & avoid the occupied one, I might find my objective after all. Luckily I brought along my NarcA™ survival kit. This was time to fight fire with fire, to defeat the Bavarian Illuminati with their own medicine, so to speak. I cracked out the adrenochrome aerosol. (Adrenochrome is a highly powerful neurotoxic psychotomimetic & can cause schizophrenia in the uninitiated, so don’t be trying this at home, kiddies. I am highly trained in the use of all psychotropic drugs.) I put the nozzle in my nostril & pulled the trigger. As Dr. Gonzo says: “the first wave felt like a combination of mescaline and methedrine”! 

I steadied myself against the cold clammy wall of the tunnel where I stood & rode the wave. In a few too-short moments I was ready to sniff out the stinking Papist pigs & their foul blood ritual. I would avoid them like the plague that they are & find the hidden archives.

I easily pinpointed the ritualists. I started searching the empty catacombs. Empty is the wrong word. Unoccupied is more accurate. All the chambers I searched were filled with stashed booty: drugs; weapons; forbidden tomes & grimoires; porn. In the fifth one I searched, I found what I was looking for…The Secret Archives of the Vatican. All the documents had been encoded & transferred to audio files, copied onto stacks & stacks of cds. I skimmed through the titles, copied what I thought most vital onto my PNY Attache 128GB USB 2.0 Flash Drive & got the hell outta there.

I turned over the files to my contact in the European N-A-O & received a most generous payment, probably enough to finance a large part of my world journey. I have a few drug logistics set up for Africa & Southeast Asia that should provide any further remuneration I need to finish this voyage of discovery. Now the only thing left to do here is to release the Secret Archives, which I naturally kept copies of, to you, my faithful visitors. You need to know the truth. As the Mulder always proclaimed: “It’s Out There”.

Secret Archives of the Vatican- Various Archival Hits

decryption code in comments

Secret Archive

What is Written

Teshuvah

Book of Clouds & Rain

Antioch

There is a Truth

Secret Identity

Fear of a Black Jesus

Overground Resistance

Ahisma Squadron

Dogs of War

Eneny Country

The Coming of Shadows

Dark Night of the Soul

Cryptonomicon

From the Ashes

Freedom from Monotheism Now,

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